Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
