the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I will be naked everywhere
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize