Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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