I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
