I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Houston, we have a squirter
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
