No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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