i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How does one acquire holy water?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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