tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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