you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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