just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Randomize
