ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
time to smoke my breakfast
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
