I think i sorta joined a cult last night
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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