phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
