why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
