This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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