i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
