keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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