she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
