i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
These tits shall not be calmed
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
