Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
