she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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