All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
