chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
