i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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