I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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