She said her name was "party"
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
