I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
