The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
