I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
