Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
