I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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