that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish you could order shots online.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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