I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
