At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
