apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
