soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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