Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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