Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
