If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
