So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
