Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
