At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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