Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
