i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
love makes seman taste better
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
