dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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