I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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