I'm eating all of the evidence.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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