I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Randomize
