You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
