I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
