Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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